Chaos and Strife

A prose-written (yes, prose) comedy by Firefly99 in Yuffie’s POV (My grammar is normally a little better than this, but c’mon, this is Yuffie we’re writing as!)

A.N. As I write this, I realise that many Biography of a Demon fans will come and kill me after they read this. This is one of those Yuffie/Cloud/Vincent thingies, so will probably get me painfully mutilated by Yuffentine fans too. Umm. If you wish to flame me, please go ahead, for the heat of the flames reminds me that I live in hell for my sins. Sorry ‘bout the bad Vincent impression :)

I’d like to dedicate this fic to CloudRox for inadvertently giving me the idea for this fic, and for not noticing that she has a mastered Cover materia and will probably take the brunt of the BoaD and Yuffentine fans.

May I just admit that I don’t own anything and all that Squaresoft can do if they don’t like this fic is barbecue me on a specially large flame.

Without further ado, let’s get on with it.

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I really don’t know why I’m telling you this mad story. It’s ridiculous, pointless and contains humiliation of me – yes, I, Yuffie – which I’m sure that none of you want to read (…right…?). But it also has Chaos in it. So Vincent fans will like it. Or maybe not, because everyone in this freaky little tale gets humiliated, even Vinnie. If the image of Vincent smiling is enough to make you keel over backwards, do not read. If Chaos makes you scream, do not read. And if Cloud’s schizophrenia causes you to have a fit, you probably shouldn’t read this either.

I’d better start.

If any of you are in any of the aforementioned groups, please leave now.

Gone?

Good.

Right. So where should I start?

Stupid question. The beginning. Duh. Well, the only trouble is; where is the beginning?

Was it the bit where Vincent went suicidal?

Or was it a bit further on where Chaos started to act oddly?

Nah, it started long before all of that. Further. Fuuuuuuuuuuuurther. A bit more – nope, too far-

Just go straight from the beginning of TLHBD. For those people who don’t understand my little acronym (just about everybody), that means The Long Hot Boring Day. There’s one in every cheezoid comedy. I mean, do they start with; ‘It was a frosty night, colder than many other, with the moon’s frozen halo burning a circle into the chilly air. The smell of blood tore through the night, as did the bullets. Yuffie’s breath hung in a frost cloud as she weaved away from her pursuers – the Shinra.’ No. They don’t. They start with, ‘It was a long hot boring day…’ This story is no exception.

So. TLHBD. Right.

It was a long hot boring day. The kind of day when the only thing to do was go running around in circles, bumping into a pack of monsters, go kick their butts and then go and do it all over and over again for hours and hours and hours…

It would have been a little better had I not been trapped along with Spiky SOLDIER and Manic Depressant Goth. Cloud, who is one of the only members of AVALANCHE who truly sees me as an equal, (and is so TOTALLY HOT!!! Um – did I just say that…???…) so I won’t insult him too much…and Vincent, who does not truly see me as an equal, and ‘will not stoop to using colloquialisms’ and is ‘but a demon in a human shell’. He’s so cheerful. If you missed the sarcasm there, go back and read it again.

Hey, I bet you want the setting for the imminent disasters that happen during TLHBD. Well, it’s on an indiscriminate island in the area that Cloud’s map refers to as ‘Mideel Area’. It is flattish and smallish and darkish greenish, and a bendy triangle shape. It is home to these green lizardy-things called Head Hunters. It does not contain a town. Or a beach. Or materia. Or anything vaguely interesting.

What would you do in my position?

I knew what I’d do.

I whined.

“Cloooooooooo-ooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud…” I began. The whine was perfect. Rule number one of whining: Pronounce one syllable names like they have two syllables. Like CLOU-WOUD. It’s really annoying. Try it now. Remember to do it in a high pitched voice – but not too squeaky.

“What?” he asked me.

“I’m thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir-sty.”

He got a fizzy drinks can out of his bag and wordlessly handed it to me. I waited five minutes after drinking it, then began again. Rule number two of whining: space out your whining. It gives maximum effect.

“Clooooooooo-ooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud…” I began again.

“What?!” he asked, sounding vaguely annoyed.

“I’m booooooo-ooooored. Tell me again WHHHHYYYY we came heeeeeerrrrrrreeeeeee?” Rule number three of whining: Spend about five seconds pronouncing the key words and negative sounding words.

Cloud gave me his best Mako eyed stare. The one that makes me truly understand that he IS a Sephiroth clone. The one that reminds me eerily of the Midgar Zolom.

I took this as cue to shut up. Rule number four of whining: Don’t push your luck.

Rule number five of whining: Don’t let it stop you from having another try.

“Cloooooooo-oooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu-“

“WHAT??!” yelled Cloud.

“I’m tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired…”

“Yuffie…” Cloud began, but then a gunshot thankfully interrupted this particularly risky and potentially painful moment. I looked around to see Vincent having trouble with a bunch of Head Hunters.

Why?

They were dead easy to kill and everything. What was wrong?

Then I noticed the lack of materia on his weapon and armour. Oh God. Not again.

He wanted to lose. He wanted to die.

Our Vinnie works in very strange ways. This is a polite way of saying that he’s off his rocker – big time.

He’s tried to kill himself. Seriously. Several times too.

The first time he did that, we were camping out in the forest when I got woken up by this gunshot. So I ran towards the source of the noise to see what was going on, and I find Vincent lying in a pool of blood. There was a bullet hole straight through his head. There was a bloodstained note lying by him saying ‘Please do not panic. I merely ended the life of a demon so that the life of humankind may remain for a little longer. Vincent.’

There was no doubt that he was dead.

I left him there and decided to tell the others in the morning. I was just hoping that sharing a tent with Cloud (swoon, fall, thump,) might be able to get rid of some of the nightmares I was like, so totally doomed to have after seeing a corpse.

What? I like Cloud a lot. Oooookay? But don’t you dare tell him. Unless you want to find your head somewhat…detached from your neck and flying off towards the middle of the ocean.

Well, half an hour later, Vincent- yes, the suicidal, dead Vincent- came into our tent, woke up Cloud and asked him if he had anything for a migraine.

Nope, it wasn’t a Vincent clone or Chaos in disguise or anything. It was Vinnie. Our Vinnie. He even had blood clotted in that stupid effeminate ponytail of his. But he was definitely dead when I last saw him. Definitely.

You BET I confronted him in the morning.

“Vincent?! I SAW you. You were DEAD! What the hell’s going on?!”

He replied in the way only Vincent would. Or, for that matter, could.

“Chaos needs his vessel alive, no matter how many times the vessel tries to kill itself. He shall revive it every time it dies, thus allowing him to continue in his quest to bring Hell and the world of men together.”

“So he brought you back to life?” God, anyone else would be happy if they’d achieved immortality.

“I am not alive.”

“Ooooh! You’re undead! Coooooooooooooooool!”

“I am not undead. I am alive in all but my soul, which has already passed on and reached Hell. My body is but a shell, harbouring a demon – it is through this life force that I still breathe. My body lends it a portal into the world of humanity, and disguise so it may so it may walk in the world of humanity…”

This speech went on for something like twenty minutes. May I just say something?

Blah blah blah sin blah blah blah demon blah blah blah hell.

Vincent is off his sinning, demon inhabited rocker.

I bet you’re sick of flashbacking by now. Vincent was being killed by a bunch o’ lizards when we left him, wasn’t he? Back to that, then.

“Uh…need a hand?” called Cloud. Rule #1: ASK before stepping into a fight started by Vampy-boy. If you don’t, he…um…do I have to describe this next bit? Yes? You can’t make me. But it involves them claws of his and your eye sockets. And it hurts a lot.

“I believe I can cope, Cloud.” Vincent replied monotonously. He wasn’t making any effort to fight back against the Hunters at all. What is WRONG with him?

I then did a very out-of-character thing. Yes folks; I started to worry. And it wasn’t sarcastic at all. Vincent…he’s going to die…I’m not exactly head-over-heels in love with Mr. Depressed Monologues Nibelheim, but I don’t want him to die or anything like that…

“Cloud…is he going suicidal?” I whispered to him. A Head Hunter at Vincent’s feet jumped headfirst upwards at Vincent’s pale face, and tore at him with its…claws? Fangs? Spikes? I’m not sure about lizard anatomy, but it was pointy.

I’m no drama queen – at least, not at moments like this. If I was, I’d say, ’blood spilt forth from Vincent’s snow-pale features’ or something like that. Instead I’m gonna say ‘Vincent looked like he was bleeding a little’. Not as dramatic I know. I suck at telling stories. That’s Cloud’s job.

“Yeah.” Cloud sighed, shaking his head so that his (hothothot – um – …eheheheeeee….I didn’t say that, really I didn’t…) blond spiky bangs flopped into his (oh-so-damn-gorgeous – …er…I didn’t say that either….) Mako blue eyes. “I’m worried, Yuff. He thinks that now Hojo’s dead, there’s no point hangin’ ‘round AVALANCHE.”

Another thing I love about Cloud: When he gets worried, stressed or concerned, his (extremely sexy) Nibel accent goes all thick. Note the use of the dialect in the phrase ‘hangin’ ‘round’ in that last little thing he said.

But right now, I was also worried about Vincent and didn’t feel the usual Melting Heart And Imploding Stomach (you know what I mean. It feels exactly how I described it) sensation that I normally get at times like this.

“Yeah. He lived for revenge, and he’s had it now, so…” I let the end of the sentence trail off miserably.

Right. Here is where you learn about me. Yuffie Kisaragi.

People assume I’m just a big ball of energy personified, bounce bounce bounce boingy boingy boingy, teenage hormones, hyperactive, sugar-high, kleptomaniac. Unfortunately no-one actually asked how I felt about it first. I have feelings, y’know. People forget I feel emotion because I cover all my sad feelings with jokes or sarcastic comments. I was trying desperately not to worry. So was Cloud; he was really panicking. Vincent’s a pain and more depressing than biting into a chocolate bar and discovering a hidden and unexpected dead frog, but if he died I’d get all miserable, and then I’d blame myself because I ‘just watched’ as Vincent would say, and then I’d go all depressed, and then I’d start dressing like a Goth and listening to bands no-one has actually heard of, and practically turn into him myself, and then…uhg…

Cloud’s (gorgeous) eyes were wide.

“Yuffie…” he said, poking me and jerking me thankfully out of my Yuffie-has-turned-into-a-Vincent-clone fantasy. When he had my attention (yeah right, like he has to fight to make me look at him) he jabbed a gloved finger towards Vincent. “Something’s happening…”

Vincent had gone even more pale and was breathing way too heavily. He gripped at his chest with his clawed hand, nodding in time with his breathing, staggering to half his height and gasping like he was having a heart attack…

“Chaos…” Cloud said seriously.

Vincent’s face went blank. OK, so it’s blank all the time, but it’s sort of emotionally blank. Now it was just blankly blank. You know, like: Greetings. You have reached the mind of Vincent Valentine. Due to circumstances beyond our control, Vincent is being mentally subdued by Chaos and is unavailable to take your call. We apologise for any inconvenience that this may have caused and sincerely hope that you call again. Please leave a message after the roar, so we will get back to you. Thank you. That kind of blank. Completely unoccupied blank.

I had to close my eyes during the actual change. I mean, turning into a demon? Like, so totally gross-NESS!!

Still, when I opened my eyes, Chaos was there, scowling and growling and looking like he wanted to rip me in two. As I watched, a huge embossed skull shape rose forth from the ground. The eyes flashed, and then some seriously sinister skulls rose from the mouth of the embossment and powerslammed the lizards. The lizards began to twitch and convulse violently – and then they all keeled over and died. I just gaped.

OK, so not much weirdness yet, right?

Here’s the weird bit.

As you may or may not know, after the initial ‘battle rage’ that causes Vincent to lose control of Chaos, he cools off after defeating all the monsters in the near vicinity and transforms back into normal. Or at least, as close as Mr. Angst can get to being normal.

Well, this time he didn’t.

Much as I hate to admit it, Vincent was right; the day he had been predicting since he had drunk that toxin that reduced his mental willpower and allowed Chaos to control him if Vincent got angry enough had finally come. He’d lost control. Forever.

Cloud was the only one brave (stupid???) enough to confront him.

“Vincent?” he asked, approaching Chaos slowly.

Chaos gave him a red-eyed glare and warning snarl.

“Vincent.” Cloud said firmly. “You’re Vincent. Control your other self, Vincent. Get a grip on who you are.”

That’s pretty rich coming from schizo-boy, a little and extremely evil voice piped up involuntarily in my head. I mentally tied it to a lamppost and threw ninja stars at it from a safe distance. No-one insults Cloud - or his mental instability. I think it’s seriously cool. To not be alone in your head, to have a second half…my god, the angsting possibilities are limitless.

“Vincent. You aren’t Chaos. You’re you. Vincent Valentine.” Cloud continued.

Is it just me, or is he going around in circles? asked the voice.

Chaos moved in for the kill. He opened his mouth, leapt, and shredded his fangs through Cloud’s jugular in a burst of blood.

“Cloud!!” I screamed, grabbing him like a tragic heroine from a movie, covering the bite with my hand.

The evil voice in my head screamed at me. He’s dying, you baka! Do something! ANYTHING!!!! Help the guy! He’s supposed to be your crush, dammit! And he will be crushed if you don’t do something. Now help him!!!

I managed to regain coherent thought again just in time to cast a third-level Cure spell on Cloud. When I finally removed my hand from his throat, there was nothing, not even a faint scar.

Oh curative magic, what would us pathetic mortals do without you? Die very quickly, probably.

Cloud was unconscious, but bound to survive. Cool. I just saved my crush’s life. Go Yuffie, it’s ya birthday, we’re gonna party like it’s ya birthday…

“Is he OK?” came a familiar voice. A familiar voice saying something very unfamiliar…

“Vincent? So you morphed back? Are you OK now?” I paused. “Did you just say ‘OK’?”

“Yes to all four, Yuff.”

Okay. Time freeze here.

Vincent had just called me Yuff. There’s only one person in AVALANCHE who calls me Yuff. And he ain’t Vincent. He’s a lot…spikier than Vincent. Anyhoo, let’s start time again on our conversation.

“Er…” I said, puzzled by all this, “Vincent?”

“Mind not calling me Vincent?”

I. Never. Thought. I’d. Hear. Him. Say. That. OK, so he sometimes says, ‘Refrain from referring to I as Vinnie’ but that’s totally different. Not only is he speaking colloquially (hey, I learned that word from him. Cool. Vincent is turning me into a veritable lexicon! Hold on…what did I just say?) but he’s asking me not to call him the only name he’ll answer too. Vincent.

All I could say was, “…”

He began again. “Vincent sounds too…”

Frivolous? suggested my brain in a bad impression of Vincent’s deep gothic monotone. Even though he was now talking in a deep none-gothic tone.

“…formal.” he finished.

Too formal? That is so disturbing. Has he been doing Hypers or something?

“Call me Vince.” he said.

“Erm…’K….Vince.” I’ll never get used to calling him that, I thought. “Vince…what’s happened? Why are you… kinda…like… normal?”

Vincent – sorry, Vince- thought for a minute.

“Yuff…The Demons have gone.”

“What?!” Did I hear correctly? ‘The Demons have gone?’ That’s so un-Vincent…

Then again, everything else he’d said was so un-Vincent. He sensed my confusion.

“Yes. Gone. They’re not in my head any more. I…I’m…” He paused, then tore off his cape, revealing his mouth, and smiled.

Smile. Vincent. They don’t fit in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence.

It was a…nice smile. It woulda been a lot, lot nicer had I not bet Cid a while back that Vincent had fangs. Vince’s incisors were no more pointy than ordinary ones. Bye bye, 400 gil. I hope to Leviathan that Cid doesn’t spend all of you on ciggies.

“I….I’m…I’m FREEEEEEE!!!!!!” he squealed, twirling around like an ecstatic ballerina and – SHOCK HORROR – laughing. Yes. You heard it straight from the ninja’s mouth. Laughing.

He untied his bandanna and began to loosen his ponytail.

At this point I nearly fainted with compound shock. Then, my brain started working again. and I suddenly realised something. Something BAD.

“…ulp…”

“What Yuff?” asked Vince.

“Just…I don’t…quite…get it…” (There’s a phrase I learned from Cloud. Yes, folks: Cloudisms are contagious.)

“Go on.”

“Uh…the Demons can’t just disappear, can they? If they’re not in your head…then where are they?”

Vincent froze.

“I…don’t…knooooooooowwwwwww…” he said in the voice of someone who knows something has gone really hideously badly wrong but daren’t admit it in case that makes it happen faster.

It was then that Cloud came round.

“…urghhhh…” he groaned, pushing himself up.

“Cloud!! Guess what!” I yelled excitedly. “Vincent’s free, the Demons have gone, and-“

“Free?”

“Yes. No more demons.”

“I wish there were no demons.” Cloud said in a dry, hollow voice. “I wish that I never cast a dark shadow on this world that you live upon.”

Uhhh-ohhhh…I thought. Bit morbid for Cloud the Clueless…

“…gahhkk…..” I said.

“Cloud?” asked Vincent.

“Cloud?” replied Cloud. “A nice name for the one who blocks out the golden light of the sun from reaching this world. Yet still somewhat ill-fitting…I wish for you to refer to me from now on as my surname, Strife. It feels somewhat more appropriate. For you only find clouds in Heaven. And I am from Hell.”

A.N. Why is Cloud- sorry, Strife- so…Vincent? Is Vince still manically depressed? Will Yuffie ever mature? Who has masterminded Vincent’s triumphant return to the ranks of the mentally stable? And WHY ARE THEY ON THE ISLAND ANYWAY??? Find out in the next chapter of… Chaos and Strife!!